soft skills

For effective collaboration, be flawed

I love being right. Or, at least, I love thinking I'm right. And fighting for my rightness. Proving my point with facts and reveling in my intellectual superiority is one of my favorite things to do. 

Unfortunately, more than half of the time, I am proven wrong and am massively embarrassed - sometimes even angry - as a result.   

This is pretty common for people. When you live long enough and experience enough stuff, you feel like you know what you're doing and what you're talking about. And you want other people to respect that and be impressed by your knowledge. But that need to constantly be right doesn't always net us the results we're looking for.

Often times, people are dismissive - even annoyed - when presented with a know-it-all standing tall and proud on top of that soap box. Present this sort of behavior to the wrong person, and it can quickly escalate to the full-blown argument.

So it's no surprise that this style of communication is extremely detrimental to collaboration. So how do we fix this? How do we stop trying to be right all the time and try to be more relate able? Simple:

Be flawed.

The opposite of being perfect isn’t necessarily being imperfect; it’s being open. Empathy and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown talks extensively about wholeheartedness which she defines, in part, as embracing the imperfections of who you really are to truly connect with other people. And if you take a moment to really think about it, it’s true.

Consider a lot of people you admire. People like Richard Branson or Oprah or your favorite teacher or a really good boss you’ve along the way. Chances are, you admired them because of not only their wisdom, but also their accessibility.

People love Oprah because she makes you feel like you can do anything. And it’s been Richard Branson is known to listen a lot more than he talks.

Now let’s think about that boss that you loved. I’m willing to bet that they consistently listened to what you had to say and offered encouragement when you expressed concern over issues. And they also probably never punished you when you were wrong; they took it as an opportunity for you to learn from your mistake and be better because of it.

Being flawed at work

When dealing with your team, who is better to work with: the person insistent upon being right or the person who is upfront about what they don’t know?

Being perfect isn’t productive, and being insistent upon being right all the time won't lay the foundation for solid teamwork. Being flawed, however, is much more reachable. It makes you attainable, and it attracts conversation. Facing flaws makes people want to collaborate with you.

So how do you do this at work?

embrace what you don't know

When someone brings up an idea that you aren't familiar, what is your normal course of action? Context clues? Bull shitting? Google? 

Next time this happens, here's a good idea: say I don't know. Somewhere along the line, this simple sentence became the professional kiss of death. For a lot of people, it loosely translates to something like I'm not good enough to do my job. They begin to do slightly irrational things like putting on an Oscar-worthy "Of course I know what I'm talking about" performance in front of their peers. Or worse, lash out in condescending tirades in an effort to conceal their ignorance - all because they simply don't know something that, if we're being honest, most people probably don't know.

Here's what I don't know doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you're stupid or incapable or not good at your job. You're still the python ninja or javascript prophet your employers hired you to be. And you're still probably on the right-most outskirt of the bell curve. 

A simple I'm unfamiliar with this concept. Can you explain it to me? goes a long way in fostering collaboration. Here's why.

Asking a coworker an honest, non-loaded question boosts their confidence. It shows them that you respect them and think what they have to say is valuable. As a result, that coworker is more likely to ask you your opinion and consult you on their projects. By simply asking a question, you've started a conversation that will now be rooted in empathetic communication. And empathetic communication is the foundation of effective team collaboration. 

How to talk to humans: Preparing for my #RailsConf lab

Excited to announce that I'll be leading a workshop at RailsConf 2015 on leveling up your communication skills! You can check out a full description of the workshop over on their website and you can register here.

The reason behind this workshop

Before I get into the nitty gritty, I want to touch on a question that I know some of you probably have: why are you giving what amounts to a talk on marketing at a Rails conference? Well, I've spent a lot of time around tech folks and the number one complaint I hear from people in hiring capacities is that they have the perfect person with the exact tech skills they need....but there's no way they can put them in front of a client because they struggle with the social aspect of the job. And a lot of time, their teams struggle with effectively communicating with each other. 

And that's where this workshop fits. I want to both help attendees feel more secure in talking to clients. And I want to help teams to work more fluidly - both with each other and with other teams. So often, there are breakdowns in projects because people don't know how to approach a situation. This lab will teach you guys how. 

Why I'm qualified

My background as a marketing writer has been great, but stuttering has taught me so much about the ins and outs of communication. I know what it feels like to walk into a room and expend a ridiculous amount mental and emotional energy before you even say your name. I know how nerve-wracking it is to feel confident in what you can for this person you need to impress, but not know if you can actually articulate it. 

I've struggled with my speech for years. After coming to a place of acceptance, I then learned there are ways to more effectively communicate with those around me: speech impediment or not. And these are the skills that I'm going to discuss during the lab.

The lab: what you need to know

For those interested in attending, I wanted to give you some things to consider in preparation for the workshop. I've only got you for 90 minutes, so be prepared to jump right into the fun as soon as you arrive. This is a soft skills lab so you won't need any technology; all you need to bring is yourself. 

What will we be doing for 90 minutes? I know this is going to sound crazy, but bear with me: we'll be talking to each other. Offline. In real life. iPhone's not needed.

Deep breaths. You can do this :)

We're going to touch on things like small talk, building a relationship quickly, how to be charming and general confidence in speaking. You are going to be working with the people around you on exercises that will help you learn and build those skills.

Basically, you're going to spend 90 minutes dissecting the nuances of human interaction - both of those of around you and your own. I want you to leave this workshop with the confidence to walk into any room with any group of people and successfully communicate with them. No second guessing. No overanalyzing. Just results. 

Does this sound fun? It will be, and I hope to see you there on Wednesday morning.